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Hello and welcome to the London Property podcast, I’m Farnaz Fasaipour and today we are in conversation with Elaine Halligan who has some fantastic insight to share with us, about how she can help us do better parenting our children. Welcome Elaine.

Elaine: Thanks, thanks for inviting me.

Farnaz: It’s a pleasure. So you can first of all tell us a little bit about yourself, for our listeners?

Elaine: Of course, um, so I run a business called the Parent Practice in London. And I guess the most important thing for your listeners to understand is I am a mum, to two wonderful now adult children, who are 26 and 22, and I am married to a gorgeous Kiwi husband. And I have to confess that, despite being a parenting expert or a parenting coach, gosh I think parenting has been one of the hardest, most challenging jobs I’ve ever done. And despite having two wonderful children, I have to admit that in the early days, gosh, I found this role bewildering, I found it exhausting, I found it complicated and I found it messy! And I have frequently felt just overwhelmed and guilty when I got things wrong. I don’t know whether that resonates with any of your listeners?

Farnaz: Well, it certainly resonates with me and I feel like once you learn what you’ve got to do, cause you have mastered a certain stage, then it all goes and changes again and you’ve got to learn it all over again right? So, you figure it

Elaine: Your children go through different ages and stages of development, and even though I am a parenting coach I honestly have to say that I don’t think I have mastered it yet. There is always learning to be done, and I think none of us could ever have imagined that bringing up our children would be such a challenging task but it’s interesting, because I don’t think that we go into any other jobs that are so important without any training. And the issue here is that we don’t have training to be a parent. Our babies don’t come with a manual. And we just think that surely parenting is the most instinctive job in the world, and I really challenge that statement. I think there is no instinct, I think it’s a deeply ingrained state, based on your own experiences. And some of us are lucky and some of us are not so lucky, so just going into parenting thinking it should be instinctive, um, I think that’s an unrealistic expectation.                    

Farnaz: Yes well my father always used to say “Small kids, small problems. Big kids, big problems” and I think when they are tiny and you know they push somebody over in the playground you think “Oh my God that’s dreadful”. And then when you get to 12, 13, you’re like oh pushing in the playground I wish for those days!     

Elaine: So that’s an interesting analogy because you know, big kids big problems, what we’re doing by offering positive parenting skills is making sure that you get into those teen years, without those big problems.  And the big problems that we are talking about just now, um, are mental health, it’s a lack of resilience, it’s a lack of self esteem. And so I think the stakes are high, and I personally don’t think this is something that we can say is a luxury. I think it’s the most important thing for our children to, um, thrive at home, to shine in school and for parents to feel, really in charge, that they know what they are doing. Because bringing up our children to be adults, I think for most of your listeners, will be one of the most important jobs they ever do.                

Farnaz: Well, we’re not going to be able to uh show our listeners uh exactly the extent to which you would be able to help them but we are very pleased that over the coming weeks we are going to be giving them snippets into your wisdom and uh we are going to be sharing some of that uh information with them over the coming weeks. And then obviously they will be able to reach out to you for more help, but can you just talk to us about some of the most popular uh topics that you have addressed in your parent practice courses, um that you can touch on, you know, in the short space of time that we have?            

Elaine: Um, I think the biggest topic is getting your children to be cooperative, and like many parents in the early days, I found myself nagging, repeating, reminding, cajoling, threatening, bribing. So one of the biggest things parents need is how do I get my kids to listen to me? So um I have a webinar I Never Have to Ask Twice, which gives a wonderful three step process to giving instruct ions to your children. And the biggest mistake we make is that we don’t motivate them. And really simply children need three things in order to get into good habits and behaviours. They need structure, which is rules and boundaries, and us being firm. They need motivation, which is us being very positive and having that warm connective relationship with a child. And actually they need a bit of fun and novelty. And I think we forget that! I think we forget in the kind of, um you know, humdrum of the world and all the things we’ve got to do, it’s like we’re barking orders and instructions at our children all the time. It’s no wonder they tune us out. So when you get that perfect balance of structure and of novelty, and motivation, then you get your children into good habits and behaviours.                               

Farnaz: So our own consistency is also really vital in all of this, right?

Elaine: I don’t know any parent who is not inconsistent, I mean I am inconsistent! Partners, husbands, wives, they’re inconsistent. And the analogy I have is that you know, if one of you creates a rule that chocolate is only for weekends, and then another parent says oh go on, let’s just give you a bar of chocolate mid-week, what you’ve just done is you’ve moved the goal posts. And when you move the goal post, remember our children are hardwired to get their needs met. So when we are inconsistent and move the goal posts, our children just think well it worked once, I am going to try again! So so at the heart of kind of positive parenting is trying wherever possible, just to have that united front, to have some form of agreement. You will not agree on everything but unless you have that conversation, there’s no point in mum teaching the children how to play football, and maybe Dad or another parent coming at the weekend and saying forget football, we’re playing American football. (Laugh). That leads to confusion, and your children will just train you beautifully to give them what they want (laugh) when they misbehave.                                

Farnaz: Yes, and then the battle carries on until they push and push and push and get what they want. Yes, I think we have all been there. And I remember talking to you before about uh the electronic rules, and one thing that you said to me which actually really hit home is, you know, you can’t be there on your phone doing your own things and then going to them and saying right, give it to me now. You’ve got to actually, you know, progress into finish what you are doing, give it to me, can you talk to us about all of our biggest nightmares, which is screen time?           

Elaine: Wow, that is a huge topic so I’m just going to pick a couple of headlines here, for parents to think about. One, if you asked me this question two years ago, I think my answer would have been very different because two years ago we were very much monitoring screen time through quantity, through minutes. But that has kind of been thrown out the window given what we have experienced during Covid parenting because screens have been a lifeline for so many reasons. Academia, socialising, and what I call “guilty pleasure”. Farnaz, I didnt actually know what a Netflix binge was until recently (laugh) when I had Covid (laugh) and I now know what a Netflix binge is! So if you think of those three areas, well we are not going to count minutes if our children are on screens to access homework. So my first top tip is think more of quality rather than quantity. However having said that, I am not saying you’re going to give access to your children, access to screens the whole day. You do need to work out, what needs to happen first, before they get screens. And then what you often find, is that screen time kind of falls out of that. So, just a couple of ideas, think about quality as opposed to quantity, and then start thinking about what needs to happen first, before your children access their screens, let’s say for guilty pleasure or for socialising. And then what you are doing is working out, kind of using your values. You know, if exercise is important, if homework and education is important, if having a meal together as a family is important, suddenly you start to clarify what needs to happen first, before you start creating the screen time rules. And there does need to be screen time rules, and we know that children with certain neurological conditions like ADHD, absolutely have a tendency to show a form of addiction to screens. So definitely as a parent you need to have clear rules, and you need to be in charge, but here’s the difficulty. If you have a rule that says you’re allowed one hour of screen time a day, and for some reason that one hour doesn’t happen, for whatever reason, you will then get your child arguing with you “well I haven’t had my hour yesterday so I need to add it on tonight”, and suddenly you’re in an absolute pickle. Does that make sense?                                 

Farnaz: It does make sense, I think the thing that actually frightens me and I don’t know whether other parents feel the same, is that we actually don’t know what’s going to be the result of this period that is kind of new, where children uh you know, if they can be on a screen they would rather be doing that than anything else. You know, we don’t know what’s going to be the impact of that on their mental health, just like cigarettes. People smoked them in hospitals you know, back in the day, and now it would be insane to even smoke them on the pavement. So, we don’t know what we are going to be facing in 10,15 years time, where we’d all be turning to these tech companies and saying right, I’m suing you because my child is now completely incapable of interacting with human beings. I think that’s the part that’s actually a little bit unknown and frightening so, we’ve got to try and have this battle where we push and pull I suppose.                       

Elaine: So I’d certainly say I don’t want parents to feel frightened and fearful, because that’s not a good place from which to take action. And also I don’t really want to see it as a battle either, because when it’s in a battle, and that implies there is always a winner and a loser. I’d much prefer parents to see this kind of parenting in a digital age, as kind of what needs to happen, what do I need to bring out in terms of qualities, characteristics. What habits and behaviours do I want to encourage in my children?  Screen time is not going to go away, no question about that. But like everything, it’s a question of balance. You and I Farnaz, couldn’t run our businesses without screens. We don’t know what the impact is on our brain (laugh) of all these screens. I certainly know the impact on my body, (laugh), which is. I just bought myself a standing desk, to kind of help keep moving. But let’s not get parents frightened or scared. Let’s just get them thinking about what needs to happen in family life in order for children to be happy, healthy and contented.  And what we do know is being on screens too much is definitely not going to promote that. So I’m not saying for one minute that there are no screens in our family, that’s just impossible, it’s an unrealistic expectation. But let’s not be frightened of it, let’s just keep referring back to what does my child need in order to live a balanced life? Yeah? And so always keep thinking what needs to happen first before they access screens? And it’s really simple stuff. It’s sleep, it’s exercise, and I guess nutrition. If you get those three things right, then you’ll have a happy, healthy, contented kid, and if you know how to talk to them in a way that really builds up their self esteem, what they won’t do is be looking for substitutes.                           

Farnaz: Right.

Elaine: Because substitutes often come in the form of screens, or maybe doing unhealthy engagement of drink, drugs, sex, whatever. So if we keep coming back to the core, if your child has good self esteem, they won’t be looking to kind of fill their lives or avoid, with things they can find on social media. And I’m trying to make this sound very simple when it’s a really complex topic, but I do think that self worth is at the heart of how our children operate in life.          

Farnaz: On the subject of uh, you know, a lot of the topics we are discussing are very large topics and they probably need constant reinforcement. Can you tell us, uh tell our listeners a little bit more about how they can get that help from you and that guidance from you? I mean personally I would love to speak to you every Friday (laugh).        

Elaine: Ah, you are so sweet! 

Farnaz: (laugh) so can you tell us a bit more about what you can do to help our listeners, and what resources you have available for them?  

Elaine: So with your question about reinforcement, that’s just about learning how rules work and the first mistake that parents make is that they don’t understand that rules need rewards and consequences. So that’s kind of how we address reinforcement of good behaviour, is by having clear structure. Um, I run the Parent Practice online and offline, so I guess URL and IRL. So I still meet with clients one to one, face to face doing my parent coaching work. And, but look, I have products for everyone to access, whether it’s from a webinar on a Friday morning, we do a webinar every month, 10 o’clock in the morning on a Friday. If you’re a working parent we record it, you can watch it at your leisure. If you’re a busy working parent, I have a thirty day Positive Parenting course and I think what we are going to release, is a few extracts from that course over the next few weeks or months and that is a superb gentle start up to positive parenting. Five minutes a day, watch a video, download a workbook if you’re inclined to fill in a workbook, but it’s quick, it’s punchy, it’s smart and it’s an introduction to positive parenting. Uh and then I also run my flagship Harmony at Home course which I am running just now, where I take a whole group of parents through a kind of six week core skills program. So however you learn, I think I’ve got something for everyone. Whether it’s auditory, whether it’s visual, or whether you like learning in a group, or one to one, but I would say Farnaz that the best way to explore positive parenting or to really understand just how powerful it is, is to invite your listeners to access my book called My Child’s Different. And what I haven’t mentioned is my speciality is neurodiversity. And very quickly, my story is that um I had a little boy who by the age of seven was excluded from three schools.                                    

Farnaz: Wow. 

Elaine: And he was literally written off in society. We didn’t understand him, we didn’t understand his needs, and really quickly he became labeled as naughty, stupid and silly. So he was the child that no one wanted to invite to parties, because his behaviour was different. And it took us a long time to realise that he was differently wired, neurologically he’s got ADHD. Um from a learning point of view he had dyslexia, and then there was a little bit of language processing issues. But the medical profession just threw every label at us imaginable. You think of any TLA Farnaz, TLA three letter abbreviation (laugh) and Sam had it. My son was called the Alphabet Kid. He was diagnosed with ODD, PDA, SID, ADHD, I could go on. And I just said stop, stop stop stop. No more labels, no more assessments, no more diagnoses. I know that I’ve got a child whose like a rock, covered in mud. And my husband and I knew that we had an important role to play, which was to wipe away that mud because I just sensed I would find something extraordinary underneath. And sure enough, with all the positive parenting that I learnt, then becoming a parenting coach, we did wipe away the mud and there was a sparkling diamond underneath.                       

Farnaz: Fantastic.

Elaine: And the sparkling diamond was just a boy who thinks differently. And his severe dyslexia meant that he couldn’t access our ordinary education system here, in London. So we had to think differently, we had to think outside the box and now what we’ve got is a young man who is an entrepreneur, he’s got a classic car business dealing in Landies and Range Rovers. And I think he’s got three businesses on the go and he thinks differently. But his weakness has not held him back because his sense of self esteem comes from knowing his strength. And that’s why I hope for all your listeners, is that you too can unlock the potential in your child.             

Farnaz: As we discussed already, parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world. I’d like to add to that, with little recognitions (laugh) so your support is most valuable and we are really pleased that we will be collaborating with you over the coming weekends and sharing your insight with our listeners, so thank you so much for this opportunity.   

Elaine: Pleasure.

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